one bizarre brew

Hi All,

I just flew in from Singapore this morning, and boy are my arms tired!

Lame, tired and hackneyed jokes aside, none of the few articles I have sitting around half-baked in various Word documents are anywhere near publishable quality, so I need to throw up some random rambling to project an illusion of regular content.

During my absence I notice old Tones has continued his transparent attempts to follow the George W playbook with a rubbishy public address intended to scare the public and demonise those Big Bad Muslims yet again. Hopefully not many are buying into it.

Only upside I can think of is that out of the ashes of George W, the US got Obama. So, hopefully, Tones will lead us to our own Obama?

Other upside is that I’m out of here permanently next month, so keep up the good fight Australia!

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“so then we bury the body, cash in the bearer bonds and.. oh, uh, am i typing this into the right window?”

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i love this city

orch

 

four floors of.. something?

candy, i think. it’s probably candy.

 

(i have a girlfriend. i swear! it’s just that she’s at work in some obscure industrial area of singapore at the moment. honest.)

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“I don’t know how you got that stain, but if it doesn’t come out I’m calling your mother”

 

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Taint My Business

Oh hai all!

What a week. Japanese journalists and Jordanian pilots brutally and graphically murdered. Chan and Sukumuran are now certain to be executed. And, yet another fatal plane crash. In Taipei this time around. I’m sure there’s nothing wrong with those new ATR72s guys. It’s the pilot’s fault. Must be.

In short, this week has been FUCKING DEPRESSING. Again.

Although, there have been a couple of bright spots, at least, with Peter Greste finally returning home (DEFINITELY not the result of bribery), and the hilarity of old Tones sticking his fingers in his ears and chanting LALALALA in a futile attempt to avoid the sound of all those wolves at the gate.

Since it’s pretty tough to write new content in this FUCKING DEPRESSING climate.. have a re-post! This is from all the way back in the year 2000, when I was full of teen (ok, 20yo) angst. Seriously, what were we thinking? Being that age sucked. Kids, don’t listen to your parents (ever). Being old rules. I can’t stress that enough.

Remember when the world was simple back then, before we had to start facing up to how pissed off the rest of the world is at us?

Anyway, I’m off to legitimise my career by singing duets with Tony Bennet. Meanwhile, enjoy this shameless rehash..

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The Friday Recap! Posted by zb. Friday, December 1, 2000.

Well, the clock ticked over to Friday about 2 hours and sixteen minutes ago, that means I get to do the “Friday Recap”, which I’m assuming will be done around once a year if we’re lucky, and not every Friday like the name might suggest. So here, ladies and germs, is my list of what I’ve achieved this week. Right after I manage to get down off this ceiling, anyway. Being at work, alone, at 2:39am when you’re incredibly bored and tired does weird things to your psyche.

For example, at the moment I’m listening to Robbie Williams’ music. I’m thinking this could be bad. All i’m worried about is someone catching me clinging to the ceiling in a feline-like pose. “I don’t wanna Rock, DJ!” have you ever listened to the lyrics of this song? They don’t actually make any sense. But still, chicks dig him and he tears his own skin off, so he can’t be all bad.

I’ve decided I’m going to make my own film clip for a really Second Rate song, and it’s just going to be me (and anyone else I can convince to join me in this fruitless quest) semi naked and prancing around like a boy band. It’ll sell millions, I swear! And if it doesn’t, I’ll just turn it into a Second Rate porn flick, and see how that fares.

Anyway, I think I drifted off the point. What was I saying? Oh yes, The first and last Friday Recap, here’s the list of what I achieved during my misadventures and maladies this week..

* I ate an entire box of curry and then shat a kidney minutes later
* I used the word “ironic” in seventeen separate sentences in an Alanis Morrisette kinda way, meaning not really ironic at all.
* My Pocket Wookie(tm) went missing, but I found the little twerp a few hours later hiding under a stool.
* I managed to conference call two pizza stores together on my work phone and acted like I had tourettes.
* I got fired, but re-hired minutes later when I promised I’d wear clothes to work from now on. And agreed that a sumo outfit doesn’t count.
* I made four prophecies, none of which came true.
* I decided that within the next 6 months, I’m going to do something different, weird, strange, and totally not me-ish. Like wash or something, I dunno.
* I also decided that I’m going to start being more polite to people. I’ll start beeping my horn at pedestrians, for example, instead of lightly ramming them with my car.
* I’ll get my ears checked, so I stop nodding and smiling when I can’t hear people (which is most of the time), and actually understand what’s being said. That way I won’t end up in any more protest rallies down George Street, regarding the violence in palestine or “Jews for Jesus”, I can’t remember which.
* sp00ge ran for governor of our state, but his campaign was thwarted at the last minute by a streaker with a butter knife.
* I thought I was having sex with two women at the same time, but I was just dreaming while sleeping naked with jelly moulds again. I don’t know how that happened. Honestly.
* I decided that the “Friday Recap” really is a bad idea, and decided to scrap it.

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it’s only a paper moon part 2

So, Mittens has bowed out. Over before it began. For some reason, the Koch brothers donating almost a billion dollars to DEFINITELY NOT TED CRUZ has sent Romney scurrying off to his hundred million dollar mansion to cry into his pure silk sheets for awhile.

So, you know, join me in extending our utmost sympathy. Let’s hope he pulls through.

 

cruz_100 Ted Cruz

With Romney bowing out, Cruz is suddenly looking like the heir apparent – if he decides to run. The Texas senator can’t decide on a position on immigration and the public can’t decide if he’s Hispanic or not. Being able to walk this line might just be able to capture the elusive Hispanic vote. Cruz also hates free health care because, obviously, everybody should pay for their own health care.

“I’ll talk until I can’t stand anymore. Don’t worry, I have government-run health insurance. I’ll be fine.”

 

rand_100 Rand Paul

Senility caught up with Ron Paul, so this time around son Rand is running in his stead. I don’t want to use the term “crackpot” but Ron’s master plan seemingly involved closing all the doors to the country, scaling back the US government to just a police force and letting big business have at it. Ron also used to publish a newsletter containing racism and homophobia so he’s got something in common with Rupert Murdoch.

The apple doesn’t fall that far from the tree. With income inequality shaping up to be a big election issue, Rand’s struggling to somehow sell the idea that cutting taxes for the rich, and cutting spending on the poor, won’t actually exacerbate the divide.

“What gets lost is that the Republican Party has always been the party of civil rights and voting rights.”

 

christie_100 Chris Christie

As tempting as it is to make a fat joke, I’ll resist. At 35 I’m far too old for such endeavours. The New Jersey governor seems to be more famous for governing every other state instead of his own. For example, Christie recently vetoed a bill that would have banned pig crating, in order to be allowed to live out the rest of his life in a crate in Iowa and goshdarn it, I promised I wouldn’t didn’t I.

“If I missed my moment, I missed my moment. I mean, I wasn’t pining to be president of the United States.”

 

palin_100 Sarah Palin

I think I must be the only fan of Sarah Palin left. Widely derided for her 35 minute rambling ‘speech’ at the recent Iowa Freedom Summit, Sarah doesn’t actually seem to be saying anything different to what we’ve been hearing since 2008. About 7/10 Tom Cruises of crazy, or a 5 on the Gary Busey Index.

I’m throwing my weight behind this one. If America must have a republican president – let it be Sarah Palin.

“.. because, uh, some, uh, people out there in our nation don’t have maps and, uh, I believe that our education like such as in South Africa and, uh, the Iraq..”

FIN.

Next up, I’m going to umm.. pick some Dear Dolly questions at random and answer them, or something. Stay tuned.

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“everywhere like such as, and, I believe that they should, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., uh, or, uh, should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries”

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it’s only a paper moon

My favourite reality show has kicked off this week – the US Republican primaries!

The next US presidential election is slated for next year, so the news coming from that side of the Pacific will be full of comedy gold this year. A procession of rich white guys will be making all sorts of noises for our amusement, as they battle it out to be the next Chosen One – tasked with the noble duty of selling to the American public things like health care and taxes for the rich are bad ideas.

Enclosed for your perusal is part one of a quick rundown of who’s in the running this time. Yes, I am aware that I take far too much of an interest in this for a non-American but in my own defence – shut the hell up.

 

jeb_100 Jeb Bush

Jeb’s got the looks, Jeb’s got the style, Jeb’s got the surname. I wonder, what unfinished business do the Bushes need the US military to sort out this time.

 

perry_100 Rick Perry

New glasses, same bullshit. The Texas governor is currently facing an indictment on two felony charges of abuse of power, but why would you let something small like that stop you. I love the mental image of a president running his empire behind bars. You hang in there, Rick!

 

romney_100 Mitt Romney

Oh, Mitt, Mitt, Mittens, Mitt. The little Mitt that could. Mitt on a hot tin roof.  It’s political suicide in many nations to run for office after losing an election, but Mitt’s made of sterner stuff.

Mitt still seems like the best option for the Republicans, at this early stage anyway. He is likely thinking about how to un-alienate those 47% of people that “won’t vote for him anyway”, and generally finding a way to permanently remove the foot from his mouth.

 

lordbiz100 Donald Trump

Please, please, please America – vote for President Business. I can’t imagine how this form of art imitating life could possibly backfire.

 

Up next – Sarah Palin (lol), Chris Christie, Ted Cruz and Rand Paul. Stay tuned!

 

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“DON’T STOP BELIE”

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risqué business

It’s Australia Day !

The day we celebrate the first fleet landing in 1788, warmly greeted as it was by the indigenous people who said “take all you want, but eat all you take!”…. why, what do other history books say?

But I don’t want to talk about any of that because it’s FUCKING DEPRESSING.

What I do want to talk about is our latest second-rate (in every sense of the word) plan. With so many bad movies out there, the world is ready for our latest project: the Sean-Connery-ifier. Hypothesis being that any bad movie can be instantly improved by digitally adding Sean Connery. Not ground-breaking research, but someone had to do it.

Exhibit A: “Gone Girl”. A train wreck of a movie, if a train wreck could somehow become even more horrific.

 

Before Sean:

 

fakepoop

 

After Sean:

 

conerygg1

 

= PROFIT.

Unfortunately, as brought to my attention by Sandra, Connery isn’t everyone’s receptacle of leaves. So to that end, we’ve put some alternatives in production, such as the Hasselhoffianator and Netanyahumatic. Watch this space!

So what’d the rest of you achieve today?

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“fuck the shopping bag”

 

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something wicked these depths plumbed

First Monthly Meeting of the Great Minds of our Generation

 

In attendance:

Dick Cheney: Eater of Babies
Tony Abbott: “Prime” Minister
Bill Maher: Shock Cock
Sam Harris: “Author”
Campbell Newman: Not Ed Harris
Damien Morris: Local Legend
Miley Cyrus: Local Shitbag

 

Transcript:

Meeting commences 10.00am

 

Bill Maher: I hate all religions equally, Islam more equally than others.

Sam Harris: I disguise ranting as writing. Or is that the other way around.

Dick Cheney: You eat ONE baby and you’re the bad guy.

Damien Morris: One?

Dick Cheney: That’s on film anyway.

Campbell Newman: I’m not Ed Harris.

Tony Abbott: This human suit is getting harder and harder to put on, does anyone have a shoehorn, some pliers and a screwdriver?

Dick Cheney: Right here!

Bill Maher: I’d like to apologise on behalf of the west for the CIA torturing. Ha ha just kidding, that shit was ace.

Miley Cyrus: Hasn’t anyone noticed that I’m here yet?

Campbell Newman: I did.

Miley Cyrus: I loved you in “The Rock”.

Campbell Newman: Fuck you.

Damien Morris: So if we could just discuss the elephant in the room..

Tony Abbott: He’s not..

Damien Morris: Make a Joe Hockey joke now and you get a punch in the teeth.

Tony Abbott: Never mind.

Damien Morris: .. what are we performing for this year’s pageant?

Sam Harris: do I get to sing?

Damien Morris: Just shut up Harris, no one gives a fuck what you think.

Miley Cyrus: Ed Harris? You can sing?

Campbell Newman: *ripping open jacket to reveal explosives strapped to body* right, that’s it, I’ve had enough of that bullshit. Everybody get down. Everybody get down, now.

Damien Morris: I think that’s as good a point as any to adjourn. See you next month.

 

Meeting adjourned 10.47am

 

aupstfu300

 

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“my friend went all lord of the rings, bored the fuck out of me for 12 straight hours”

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aaaaand we’re back!

Second reich is BACK! Because: fuck you, that’s why.

Additionally, in the words of Jon Stewart, “2014 was a rough year for.. people”. So – what better way to combat the general doom and funk that’s descended over the globe than with some irreverence, loose talk and frivolity? I’m not sure, but in lieu of that – here we are.

I’d like to say that in the eleven years that we’ve been off the air we achieved fame and fortune, got a cover photo on TV Week and punched Deepak Chopra in the face, but that would be on the other side of the truth/bullshit spectrum.

Here are some of the things we missed during our 11-year absence:

  • Kevin Rudd and Julia Gillard playing pass-the-parcel (how ADORABLE)
  • The US eventually taking out Osama Bin Laden using the ingenious method of knocking on the compound door and replying “not the US government, honest!” when asked “who’s there?”
  • The Veronicas
  • Podcasts became a thing, as did Facebook and twitter
  • Your mother
  • And some other stuff

Surprisingly, a lot of our old content has held up well. I was expecting CringeFest 2015 when digging through our archives, but, whilst the lack of structure is palpable, a lot of the jokes hold up. So we’ll be slowly uploading the legacy content along with writing new articles – because that’s how much we love you.

Unfortunately it’s going to take some time as, originally, I archived the site across a combination of disk, accordion and paper tape, then proceeded to fire them out of a cannon to every last corner of the earth. So I have some work ahead of me with a knitting needle and a magnifying glass.

This time around we’ll all be making a commitment to stronger content, better writing and more overall polish. For about an hour anyway. Thats right – it’s a gen-u-ine R-E-V-I-V-A-L, second rate style! See you all on the flip..

 

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“that’s the last time i go to a mad scientist to have my cataracts looked at”

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